The grief of failed adoptions

I've been fighting myself on writing this, not sure of the right way to say it all... I try to make a point to have a lesson in each of my posts, but I'm not sure there will be one here... Not yet, we're not quite ready for that.

In May, we were approached by our dear friends about adopting a gorgeous baby girl who was 5 months old and in foster care in their home. We prayed about it and talked about it, and we said yes. We opened our hearts to this amazing, joyful, beautiful girl. We started skyping with her every night and preparing our lives for her. She came to see us, with her foster family, for a week in July so we could bond with her and love on her. She was even more perfect than we imagined and we were entirely smitten.

The boys fell in love with her and referred to her as Baby Sister or Baby Ariel, the name we were going to give her. Once things looked like they would be moving forward, we started fundraising for a home study to help things along, and so many incredible people gave to help us. Then, we have the best friends in Alabama who threw us a baby shower and hand made decorations for her nursery.... We put it all up and put together a crib. All the while, we skyped as often as we were available with the boys' crazy bedtime schedules and school starting.

Over the course of the last 3.5 months, we prepared our hearts, our children, our home, and our family and friends for another addition to the Dice family. September 9, we received a phone call that was heartbreaking. We knew the paperwork could take a little while, or there could be holdups. We did not, however, expect that the foster family would be calling to tell us that they had made the decision to keep her. There was never a conversation about that being an option, and we had had a conversation 3 days before about everyone still being all in for her to be ours. After months of discussions and planning, this was not what we had envisioned, together. It has taken us a week and a half to prepare our hearts to tell everyone in our lives because we have been grieving.

Nobody really knows what to say to a family grieving a failed adoption. Everyone wants to remind you that God has a plan in place and that He has another child, or a pregnancy planned because he won't leave you with an empty, decorated nursery. What nobody sees are the tears cried, the nightmares about losing your child, waking up realizing you were actually crying in your sleep... It feels as if we are experiencing the death of a child.

It took me a few days to really accept all the emotions and get past the numbness of the hurt... I felt guilty that I wasn't more emotional about the loss, but I now realize it was because I was watching my husband grieve so deeply and our boys grieve in their own ways, such as potty accidents and bullying other children at school because they don't understand why their baby sister won't be coming home.

Then, I was walking in Walmart, seeing all the fall and holiday things and smelling all the holiday smells, and the grief washed over me like a waterfall. I started to cry... I don't think I've ever cried through a grocery shopping trip before. I just started thinking about how excited we were to have a baby girl to celebrate birthdays and holidays with. I finally let myself feel how much I love her and let all the emotions wash over me. I had to pull into the parking lot at my son's school because I was sobbing for 15 minutes... That's when I realized I was finally ready to start talking about it.

So many people keep asking when our baby girl is coming home, or what size clothes she was going to be wearing when she did... I am tired of having to answer these questions... We just wanted to give ourselves time to go through some grief and not announce it in a way that would be hurtful or angry. We are grieving for a lot of reasons, because we love the baby we called our daughter, and the relationships lost through this pain.

If you happen to know anyone who is broken because of a failed adoption, please be sensitive to their tender hearts. Chances are they've been trying to get pregnant for a while, possibly years, and have experienced loss in ways that can't be described. Between feeling like a failure because of miscarriages or infertility and brokenness on another level, they aren't really wanting to hear your encouraging words about God's timing, and His blessings... Let them grieve for a little while. Imagine a late-term miscarriage and saying to those parents that they can get pregnant again, or adopt a baby instead, as they are still in the hospital grieving. That's what it has felt like the last few days. "We know that God works all things together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them." (Romans 8:28) But, we are not quite prepared to see what He has called us to, not quite yet.

This is not a shot at anyone, we understand that not many people know what that experience is like. That is why I wanted to include that here, because sometimes it helps to have a some reference about how to handle situations when you may not know what to say. We get it, we've been on both sides of it. Just let them know you are there and will be if and when they are ready to talk about it... Lots of hugs and checking in. Not much else is really needed from good friends. We have several amazing friends and family who have hugged us through the last 11 days and loved on us in ways that look insignificant but feel so huge.

Our visual schedule board!

I have been on a whole new adventure the last couple of years. Sending my boys to daycare/preschool and transitioning into being a part-time working mom has been a bit crazy. Working on time management and figuring out what it looks like to work as a realtor and still maintain my home has been nothing short of exhausting, to be honest.

Anyone who knows me knows that my free spirit doesn't do structure very well. I like freedom to have picnics with the boys and spend full days in the pool or at the beach. Our oldest son, however, thrives with as much structure as we can possibly squeeze in. Talk about a great combination! Then, of course, our youngest son, is a fly by the seat of your pants, move at your own slow pace, stop and smell the roses, kind of kid. Everyone tells you that your kids will be opposite, you just don't fully understand it until they are old enough to talk back.

In an effort to find some sanity in our unstructured summer, I created a schedule board. I had so many of my friends and family so excited about said board, that I thought I'd share with you! I searched Pinterest and the entire internet and pooled some ideas from all over! I found these cards at http://www.thisreadingmama.com/ and printed and laminated them. I bought a black foam board and some neon paint pens.

The blue squares are Scotch brand dry erase tape from Target. The black ovals will be used once school starts for routines, AM, after school, and bedtime. They are chalkboard labels so I can change out the words if it's not working like I want it to. I put velcro squares on the backs of each task card and velcro strips so I can change them by the day.

I have found that using the schedule board works great because it gives me flexibility for each day to change as needed. For our oldest, it just helps to get up and see what the day is going to look like. For the younger one, we're still working on figuring out what works... He refuses to do things when they're on the board, just because they're on the board. So, I'm working on being flexible with him and giving him choices to choose from that I like both or all three of.


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It has helped me as a working mom tremendously, because I don't feel like I'm scrambling and putting out fires all day. I am able to schedule in there some quiet time where they are each in their rooms playing quietly by themselves. This incredible silence gives me time to sit down and return emails, or make phone calls. I'm able to review contracts and give my clients individual, mostly uninterrupted attention, too. When I have time set aside for the boys to play alone, I set a timer and let them know it's being set. That way, they know it isn't an indefinite amount of time and they'll have my attention again in an hour, when the timer goes off.

This also forces me to focus for certain allotted periods of time. If I know I only have an hour, doing dishes or something like laundry while my house is quiet isn't going to be productive. I like to do my "money-producing" activities during those quiet times. If it doesn't have potential to make me any income, I do it while I talk to or play with the boys.

I hope this schedule board helps! Do you have any tips or tricks you use to be productive as a work-at-home parent? Please share any ideas you have in the comments! We'd love to hear them and are always looking for ways to be more efficient!

Let's Journey Together

I need to write today. I don't know what, and I don't know why. I just know someone needs to hear something I have to say, or maybe I just need to hear something from God and I sometimes only hear what He's saying when I write. So, I will just start and see where He takes it. I hope you don't mind. I just want to be real and honest with you... 

Lately, things have been changing, in so many ways. I am finally opening myself up to realizing that it is ok to ask for help. Our 3 year old started preschool and we hired a part-time nanny to help keep things in order, and allow me to breathe for a few hours every week. I has been the most amazing thing we've done since we became parents, I am not going to lie to you. 

Since Sam moved in 3 years ago, I've been in denial about the fact that I should ask for help when I need it. Feeling like I should be ok. After all, we prayed to be parents for a very long time. "I'm supposed to love every minute of this, and be better at it," is what I've been telling myself. So, for 3 years, I have just been telling myself that I was doing it all wrong because every second wasn't amazing and blissful. 

This is such a lie! I don't know why I let myself believe for 3 years that I was not enough! Being a mother is an honor, and we are so very blessed by the fact that God has allowed us the opportunity to parent these amazing boys! That doesn't mean it is always easy, though, because the path that God puts us on is usually not a cake walk. He allows us to be in situations that glorify Him. What about life being easy glorifies Him? He can only be glorified when we realize that what we do on our own is not enough. By surrounding ourselves with like-minded, like-hearted, and like-spirited individuals, He works in amazing ways! He never intended our lives to be lived in seclusion. 

This week we met with a fertility specialist, again. (Because 2 boys under 4, a Jack Russell, and a German Shepherd puppy aren't enough chaos, of course.) It feels different this time. Not because of anything crazy, it's not like "I feel in my spirit that this is it" or anything along those lines. I think it is more because I have peace about where we are, finally. I am not living in stress 24/7. I have finally been able to let go of my unrealistic expectations of myself. I have also been able to get things under control in our house. By allowing myself to ask for help and hire the best nanny/friend a mom could have, I can finally breathe again. 

Let off the pressure to do things on your own, whether it be raising children, starting a new business, starting a new ministry, just day-to-day life, or surviving heartbreak. As believers, we are supposed to do life together, support each other, be the village! We are living in the loneliest generation ever, because Pinterest, Facebook, the Internet, and everywhere else we look, people are only showing us the perfect parts of their lives. Do not hold yourself to those standards. We are imperfect people and anyone who tries to convince you they never struggle, well, they are liars.   

As we start this fertility journey again, we ask that you be in agreement in prayer with us. But, we also ask that you share your struggles with us, that we can be in agreement with you, as well. We want to be your village. I will keep you updated as things progress, and I so look forward to walking with you on your journeys! 

With love!

Mikyhla 

Every time I think of you, I give thanks to my God. Phil 1:3

This post is a very emotional one that I have been sitting on for a couple of days. Mostly because when I think about it, I start crying... But also, because I don't want to allow it to shame me or anyone else, or make us feel guilty. 

Last week, a dear friend passed away. We went to high school together and he was only 28. I am not able to be there to say final goodbyes and to hug our friends and his family, and this is tearing me up. He was an amazing man, and always knew just how to make everyone else feel better by bringing a smile to their face, or a laugh from their belly. He was one of a kind and I will cherish every memory of him. He bravely served our country, and loved his daughter and his wife dearly. Anyone who ever met him, loved him, it was inevitable. 

Because I went to a very small school, where only 12 people were in my graduating class, relationship will always be a massive part of my memories from school. Friendships forged, tears shared, laughs remembered, and so many crazy talks about the deep places of our hearts. I wouldn't trade those memories and bonds for anything. The pain I feel is due to the relationships we were given the unique opportunity to develop.  

My regret lies in the after. In a world where we "keep in touch" by following each other's posts and pictures, that level of relationship is being lost. We no longer see the deep places and share the tears... We see the fun and the "perfect" parts of each other's lives, no longer feeling the pain of each other's heartaches and glory of the dreams. We only see what we want others to think or the perception of the joy felt and that is the depth of our superficial connections. My heart yearns for the days of high school when we talked about things we thought we knew, boys, love, futures, dreams, heartbreak. 

Our generation thinks we have an advantage because of technology, but really, we are at the greatest disadvantage. We know what life was like before facebook and texting took over our interactions with each other. But, we don't let our hearts remember. We have forgotten that to truly live is to forge bonds of friendship that stand the test of time. Our hearts search for interaction on the screen of our phones or computers and come up short. Where have the heart connections gone? Why does my heart long so deeply for them? Because we were created for relationship. We were created because God wanted fellowship. Put the phone down and talk to Him. 

Keenan Wofford, you are dearly and deeply missed, my friend. Thank you for loving everyone and bringing joy to the hearts of everyone you met. In your honor, I will begin to reconnect with people and put down my phone. I will make phone calls and hear people's voices...And, “every time I think of you, I give thanks to my God." Philippians1:3 NLT 

Start somewhere, it's your job.

Friends, 

I am insecure. There, I said it. I just wanted to clear the air before I get started because this topic is a sensitive one and I don't want anyone to think it doesn't apply to me. Because, really, I have struggled with this more than I can even put to paper. I want you, before you keep reading, to think about what you're good at. What 1 thing (or 2 or 3 or 4) is it that you know without a doubt that you are good at or unbelievable passionate about? Be thinking about it and we'll come back to that... 

I went last week to a convention for the largest essential oils company with 27,000 other people, expecting to learn about earnings potential, marketing, and those types of things. Instead, I came back inspired in every aspect of my life. In my effort to serve as God created me to serve, to live my life to the fullest in every way, to appreciate what I have been blessed with, to create an amazing future for my children by teaching them to serve, and so much more! But, as I got home, I started doubting myself the moment I walked in the door. Because that's how it goes, right? You feel super stoked and pumped up to do something and you feel like a super human who could conquer the world, as long as you are among others who treat you as such. Then, you get home to 2 toddlers who you adore, but they're toddlers. They don't exactly know what it means to encourage you in your call, they just know you feed them and kiss their owies... So, you start wondering if you had it wrong and you really just heard someone else's word. 

I'm here to share with you what God told me when I asked Him to continue that work in my heart. 1 Peter 4:7-11 (NLT) says, “The end of the world is coming soon. Therefore, be earnest and disciplined in your prayers. Most important of all, continue to show deep love for each other, for love covers a multitude of sins. Cheerfully share your home with those who need a meal or a place to stay. God has given each of you a gift from his great variety of spiritual gifts. Use them well to serve one another. Do you have the gift of speaking? Then speak as though God himself were speaking through you. Do you have the gift of helping others? Do it with all the strength and energy that God supplies. Then everything you do will bring glory to God through Jesus Christ. All glory and power to him forever and ever! Amen.” 

Do you see all of these times when you are told what to do? "Cheerfully share your home with those who need a meal or a place to stay." "Use [your gifts] well to serve one another." "Speak as though God himself were speaking through you." "[Help others] with all the strength and energy that God supplies." These are all times when you should hear that God gave you gifts that you are supposed to use for His glory. He loves you and created you for a purpose. He gave you strengths and talents that should be used to draw people to Him. Use them. 

By doubting your ability to do what you feel called to do, you are telling Him that He didn't know what He was doing. Do you know that that is disobedience? That is like having a job that you have the tools to do and telling your boss that you can't because the tools aren't the ones you want. Then, you get fired. Don't be afraid that someone is going to think you're arrogant or cocky because you know you're good at something. They're opinion isn't the one that matters. Stay humble and let God lead you and guide you in the best ways to use those gifts. By being disobedient and not allowing Him to speak through you, who is missing out on what He wants to say through you? Who is being short-changed by not hearing about the love and awe He has for them? 

If you feel like you have no idea what your gifts are, just start somewhere. He'll show you if you ask Him. Please let me pray for you if you feel like you are lost with no direction. You will not need to follow someone else's path. Don't just go with someone else's dream... What is your passion? What makes you feel like your heart is going to beat out of your chest, or like you're going to cry all the tears in your face? Start there. Are there things that excite you to the point where you can't sleep afterward because you can't stop thinking about how good it made you feel? Find ways to keep doing those things! 

I love you! 

Until next time, 

Mikyhla