The grief of failed adoptions

I've been fighting myself on writing this, not sure of the right way to say it all... I try to make a point to have a lesson in each of my posts, but I'm not sure there will be one here... Not yet, we're not quite ready for that.

In May, we were approached by our dear friends about adopting a gorgeous baby girl who was 5 months old and in foster care in their home. We prayed about it and talked about it, and we said yes. We opened our hearts to this amazing, joyful, beautiful girl. We started skyping with her every night and preparing our lives for her. She came to see us, with her foster family, for a week in July so we could bond with her and love on her. She was even more perfect than we imagined and we were entirely smitten.

The boys fell in love with her and referred to her as Baby Sister or Baby Ariel, the name we were going to give her. Once things looked like they would be moving forward, we started fundraising for a home study to help things along, and so many incredible people gave to help us. Then, we have the best friends in Alabama who threw us a baby shower and hand made decorations for her nursery.... We put it all up and put together a crib. All the while, we skyped as often as we were available with the boys' crazy bedtime schedules and school starting.

Over the course of the last 3.5 months, we prepared our hearts, our children, our home, and our family and friends for another addition to the Dice family. September 9, we received a phone call that was heartbreaking. We knew the paperwork could take a little while, or there could be holdups. We did not, however, expect that the foster family would be calling to tell us that they had made the decision to keep her. There was never a conversation about that being an option, and we had had a conversation 3 days before about everyone still being all in for her to be ours. After months of discussions and planning, this was not what we had envisioned, together. It has taken us a week and a half to prepare our hearts to tell everyone in our lives because we have been grieving.

Nobody really knows what to say to a family grieving a failed adoption. Everyone wants to remind you that God has a plan in place and that He has another child, or a pregnancy planned because he won't leave you with an empty, decorated nursery. What nobody sees are the tears cried, the nightmares about losing your child, waking up realizing you were actually crying in your sleep... It feels as if we are experiencing the death of a child.

It took me a few days to really accept all the emotions and get past the numbness of the hurt... I felt guilty that I wasn't more emotional about the loss, but I now realize it was because I was watching my husband grieve so deeply and our boys grieve in their own ways, such as potty accidents and bullying other children at school because they don't understand why their baby sister won't be coming home.

Then, I was walking in Walmart, seeing all the fall and holiday things and smelling all the holiday smells, and the grief washed over me like a waterfall. I started to cry... I don't think I've ever cried through a grocery shopping trip before. I just started thinking about how excited we were to have a baby girl to celebrate birthdays and holidays with. I finally let myself feel how much I love her and let all the emotions wash over me. I had to pull into the parking lot at my son's school because I was sobbing for 15 minutes... That's when I realized I was finally ready to start talking about it.

So many people keep asking when our baby girl is coming home, or what size clothes she was going to be wearing when she did... I am tired of having to answer these questions... We just wanted to give ourselves time to go through some grief and not announce it in a way that would be hurtful or angry. We are grieving for a lot of reasons, because we love the baby we called our daughter, and the relationships lost through this pain.

If you happen to know anyone who is broken because of a failed adoption, please be sensitive to their tender hearts. Chances are they've been trying to get pregnant for a while, possibly years, and have experienced loss in ways that can't be described. Between feeling like a failure because of miscarriages or infertility and brokenness on another level, they aren't really wanting to hear your encouraging words about God's timing, and His blessings... Let them grieve for a little while. Imagine a late-term miscarriage and saying to those parents that they can get pregnant again, or adopt a baby instead, as they are still in the hospital grieving. That's what it has felt like the last few days. "We know that God works all things together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them." (Romans 8:28) But, we are not quite prepared to see what He has called us to, not quite yet.

This is not a shot at anyone, we understand that not many people know what that experience is like. That is why I wanted to include that here, because sometimes it helps to have a some reference about how to handle situations when you may not know what to say. We get it, we've been on both sides of it. Just let them know you are there and will be if and when they are ready to talk about it... Lots of hugs and checking in. Not much else is really needed from good friends. We have several amazing friends and family who have hugged us through the last 11 days and loved on us in ways that look insignificant but feel so huge.

Our visual schedule board!

I have been on a whole new adventure the last couple of years. Sending my boys to daycare/preschool and transitioning into being a part-time working mom has been a bit crazy. Working on time management and figuring out what it looks like to work as a realtor and still maintain my home has been nothing short of exhausting, to be honest.

Anyone who knows me knows that my free spirit doesn't do structure very well. I like freedom to have picnics with the boys and spend full days in the pool or at the beach. Our oldest son, however, thrives with as much structure as we can possibly squeeze in. Talk about a great combination! Then, of course, our youngest son, is a fly by the seat of your pants, move at your own slow pace, stop and smell the roses, kind of kid. Everyone tells you that your kids will be opposite, you just don't fully understand it until they are old enough to talk back.

In an effort to find some sanity in our unstructured summer, I created a schedule board. I had so many of my friends and family so excited about said board, that I thought I'd share with you! I searched Pinterest and the entire internet and pooled some ideas from all over! I found these cards at http://www.thisreadingmama.com/ and printed and laminated them. I bought a black foam board and some neon paint pens.

The blue squares are Scotch brand dry erase tape from Target. The black ovals will be used once school starts for routines, AM, after school, and bedtime. They are chalkboard labels so I can change out the words if it's not working like I want it to. I put velcro squares on the backs of each task card and velcro strips so I can change them by the day.

I have found that using the schedule board works great because it gives me flexibility for each day to change as needed. For our oldest, it just helps to get up and see what the day is going to look like. For the younger one, we're still working on figuring out what works... He refuses to do things when they're on the board, just because they're on the board. So, I'm working on being flexible with him and giving him choices to choose from that I like both or all three of.


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It has helped me as a working mom tremendously, because I don't feel like I'm scrambling and putting out fires all day. I am able to schedule in there some quiet time where they are each in their rooms playing quietly by themselves. This incredible silence gives me time to sit down and return emails, or make phone calls. I'm able to review contracts and give my clients individual, mostly uninterrupted attention, too. When I have time set aside for the boys to play alone, I set a timer and let them know it's being set. That way, they know it isn't an indefinite amount of time and they'll have my attention again in an hour, when the timer goes off.

This also forces me to focus for certain allotted periods of time. If I know I only have an hour, doing dishes or something like laundry while my house is quiet isn't going to be productive. I like to do my "money-producing" activities during those quiet times. If it doesn't have potential to make me any income, I do it while I talk to or play with the boys.

I hope this schedule board helps! Do you have any tips or tricks you use to be productive as a work-at-home parent? Please share any ideas you have in the comments! We'd love to hear them and are always looking for ways to be more efficient!